Funny Horoscopes


Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are the pioneer type and hold people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are an asshole.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistant. You have a dogged determination to work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You're nothing but a damned communist.

Gemini ( May 21 - June 21) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you're bisexual. However, you're inclinded to expect too much for too little, meaning you're cheap. Geminis are notorius for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 22 - July 21) You are sympathetic and understanding to others problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, and that is why you will always be on welfare, and never worth a shit.

Leo (July22 - August 21) You consider yourself a born leader, while others see you as pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and can't tolerate honest criticism. You are arrogant and disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards.

Virgo (August 22 - September 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder.This nitpicking is sickening to all your friends. You are cold aand unemotional, and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make excellent bus drivers and pimps.

Libra ( September 23 - October 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you're a man, you are most likely queer, if a woman a whore. Chances of monetary gain are excellent. All Libras die of VD.

Scorpio ( October 23 - November 21) You are a shrew in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success due to your lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a bitch. Most Scorpions get murdered.

Sagittarius ( Novenber 22 - December 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal because you are always getting screwed.

Capricorn ( December 22 - January 20) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You can't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. They are notorius for farting in church.

Aquarius ( January 21 - February 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. On the other hand, you lie a great deal. You tend to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are stupid.

Pisces ( February 20 - March 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA and FBI. You have minor influence over your associates, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a coward. Pisces people screw small animals.

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